I figured it was time for an update since I started radiation. It’s been almost 4 months since I started treatment and I am tired. Really tired. I can’t seem to get enough sleep, due to insomnia or whatever, to make the fatigue go away. My neck hurts, my limbs are heavy and feel like they’re asleep most of the time, I’m nauseous, back still hurts, anxiety is running wild, and I am becoming depressed because I want my life back now, not gradually, but all at once. I should definitely add that work has been great in doing their best to keep me from overdoing it, but in the end I feel lesser because I can’t handle what I once could.
That was the physical side of it. The emotional side is that I find myself drained and afraid to deal with my problems. I don’t ask for help with that because I don’t want to be burdensome. So I tuck it away and let it fester. The more I tuck away, the harder it becomes to hide. Problems compound and grow because I’m not addressing them. I’m hiding from them. I find myself searching the world wide web looking for answers so much that it becomes a compulsion. When I do get answers I don’t follow through because they only promise the hope of maybe incremental growth. Incremental growth sucks. It’s like saving for 30 years to get a million in the bank vs. winning the lottery and getting it all it once. I don’t want to wait years before I feel normal, I want it now and I can’t have it and it’s pissing me off.
Anyway that’s the short and long of it. I have some physical side effects and some emotional ones too. i guess that’s true of everyone. So maybe I am back to normal. Hmm. All I know is that life is short and if you’re fighting for inches you might make a mile by the time it’s over, but it’s the ones who fight for miles that reap the greatest reward.
Thanks for listening