I was given my diagnosis in May. Three months later I have completed all 3 rounds of chemotherapy. I am one week away from a new PET scan and, judging by all accounts of what they tell me from my blood work and physical exams, hopefully on my way back to normalcy. Time’s are lean but we are pulling through this. Yet I have never in my life felt so empty inside as I did yesterday.
Seriously, it was befuddling. I supposedly have been through the hard part with chemo and surgery but yet there it was. The elation of being close to crossing the finish line was not there, only the fear that someone would move the finish line further away. To give an example of how much of a hot mess I was yesterday I tried 4 times to write this blog then. All 4 blog posts started as me trying to pep myself up and ended with why bother. I just closed my laptop and realized that it was not the time.
Today, I have to write this though. It might not be my best work but it is a step forward I have to take. First, I felt a compulsion to use the word befuddle in a sentence. Second, I needed to proclaim that there is so much more to this fight than the physical part. To me the emotional and mental parts were the most difficult. You understand going in that this is going to hurt. For 3 months I’ve braced myself and told myself that I just needed to withstand it. Yesterday, I questioned my ability to withstand it. From doubt and fear spring more doubt and fear that spread like a wild fire.
So I took my break. I slept on it a night and this is what my conclusion is: Life is uncertainty. Two, ten or forty years ago this life was not certain in the same way it was not certain three months ago. It did however present an air of certainty. It was do this for x amount of time and y will happen. Mathematical in its presentation it showed all the characteristics of a guaranteed result. In short, it tricked me into believing that Y was the golden land and all I had to do was trudge across a desolate landscape to get there.
There is no y. There is only x. X is now and by doing x you will only get to more x’s. It took me a day and a night to come up with the realization that x is beautiful, no result is guaranteed and if you don’t focus on what you put into the equation, you will never get a good answer.