So I’m going to write this in two parts. The first part is going to be a catch up to all the treatment news. The second part is all the tools that I have to heal.
First, the treatment. I had my second round of chemo yesterday. We had about 7 hours in the chair and I seemed to handle it much more than the previous time. Mostly in and out of consciousness but overall felt fine. Left without taking the Neulasta in hopes that I don’t need it and my white cell count will rebound on it’s own. At this time we are thinking that most of the problems were due to reactions from the drug. Have to come back in 10 days to get blood work checked and to see if I need a booster. I got home took my prednisone and got a nap in and I was wired. Wound up going to sleep around 12:30. Now is the waiting game and taking the hits. I’m hopeful that everything will go fine and I do know that I have a solid support team with me.
So, finally, on to the healing. Earlier I called them tools. They are not tools, they are people, They are my blessings and they are all around me. I want everyone to know that I read every message that is sent to me and that it fuels my determination. Sometimes I respond and sometimes I don’t. This is mostly because I lack the energy or don’t know what to say. Your words move me. Your words on Facebook move me, comments on here, letters, and phone calls. Some times they bring me to tears. They carry me when I am too weak to carry myself. That is my blessing. I am blessed to have people who care enough to write the words of encouragement. I am also blessed for all those who contributed to my cause financially. The bills add up quickly and this has contributed towards keeping out of financial hell. Again I thank you.
It is during times of hardship when you find out who truly has your back. I know this now. My faith in God, Dad and Nancy, brothers and sisters,aunts and uncles, cousins, my mother in law, the whole of Becca’s family, friends–some I haven’t talked to in years, and in some case decades, and coworkers who have came forth and said “you can do this.” These are those moments, that when I looked back upon the sand and saw only one set of footprints, that God carried me. God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want and through these times, I needed you. God delivered.
I also feel I need to take some time to acknowledge my front line defenders. The doctors and Nurses at Cornell Beshore Cancer center are fantastic. To do their work with their compassion is, what seems to me, to be the most difficult of tasks. Truly they are awe inspiring.
Another blessing I have is my children. I might fry out the keyboard talking about this because it is probably going to make me cry. The messages out of nowhere that seem to happen right as I need them to the persistent requests to let them no what I need no matter what. I got great kids! Two are from previous marriages that are not blood relatives who have families and lives all of their own. Both Misha and Kari have been through a lot, have endured and have excelled. I could not be more proud of them. They have lovely children, good strong men in their lives and are genuinely great people. My oldest biological child, Caroline(Charlie), is amazing as well. She has the heart of a stallion and has overcome so much with so little. Charlie keep your head up. You’re going to change the world. Then there’s Trenton. He’s been side by side with me through the good times, through the bad. He’s so loving, caring, and tough as nails. There’s not a day that goes by he doesn’t ask me multiple times if there’s anything he can do for me or anyone else for that matter. The point is, I’m blessed to have been a part of some great children’s lives and the reward is seeing them grow into great adults. I love you guys and I am so proud of you.
Finally, there is my wife. This is a woman who has been working 10 hour days to make ends meet while I lay around without energy to move from the bed. This is a woman who, when I get depressed and wage war on myself by trying to drink my problems away, reminds me that our life together is worth fighting for. She does so without complaint and many times without complement. She is my foundation and I am so lucky to have her. Becca, I know at times I can be difficult. I get depressed and forget about the world. At times I become so consumed with me that I forget it is us that this is happening to. We will beat this, it will be over soon, and these trials will make us stronger. Thank you. I love you with all my heart (even the bovine valve). Soon we can get back to the business of chasing our dreams.