Today I plan on offering everyone a glimpse into my mental state heading into this. I have found several things out about myself as I move forward. You see there’s a constant battle that rages on inside me…and it’s freaking exhausting. My hope is that by speaking it I can provide myself some relief and give everyone else some insight into my thought processes.
First, it is easy to say I am going to beat this and do so sounding confident, but the reality is I am scared. I mean really scared about everything. Everything thus far has been quantified into percentages and the percentages sound high but I have yet to receive a 100% guarantee. There are unknowns and even slim percentages still have a chance. Uncertainty is my biggest fear. I have spent a considerable time dealing with this. What if this doesn’t work? What if I have horrible reactions to the treatment? What if the reactions are so severe that they dramatically alter my life style? I know that these are questions that will be answered in time but standing on the edge waiting to jump in is, in my experience, more horrible than the plunge. Plus, I really suck at waiting.
Second, all of this is so draining. Worrying and anxiety have taken so much out of me that it has left me wanting to hide away inside myself. I am not coping well and find myself in states of either sleeping or wanting to sleep. That is not living but rather not dying. While I appreciate not dying, I’d just as soon start living.
This brings me to my final debate: What is living? What makes a life worthwhile? What brings someone happiness? I thought I used to know the answers to these questions when in fact I do not. I know there are things I want to do before my time is up but I found that being more of a to do list before I die than living life itself. Then it occurred to me: living is a perspective.
I can choose to approach each task, no matter how arduous or mundane, as a box I must check before I move on and go on not dying or I can choose to appreciate the beauty of each task and live. I know this might sound a bit crazy, but hear me out on this. For example, I can choose to approach mowing the grass as a chore that just must be done or get fined from the city or I can choose to enjoy the fact that I am blessed enough to be outside taking care of my land, enjoying some exercise and being a part of nature. I can choose to grumble through washing dishes or I can choose to be blessed with the knowledge that in a world full of starving people, I have food in my belly and those pesky dishes must be washed to prepare myself for my next meal.
I don’t know if that made sense to anyone but myself but it helped me tremendously. Life is a series of tasks, some voluntary and some not. Living is appreciating the good of each task and the process of not dying, well that’s grumbling through them. The ability to appreciate each moment, that’s what makes a good life.
This is where I need the help. If you hear me grumbling, please use my own words against me. A gentle nudge will suffice.